You have decided that you want to be a writer. Let’s face it. If you go into any major chain bookstore, there are literally hundreds of thousands of books there. Hundreds of thousands. Yet, you feel, there is always room for just one more. Yours. You’ve tried and done the best you could, you sigh, but nothing works. Even though, you tell yourself, “If they can do it, why can’t I?” You lament about how “they” must have a relative in the business, or “they” don’t have half your talent, or “they” must have been lucky.
I’m sorry to rain on your parade, or as they say in police work “piss on your cornflakes,” but with that frame of mind, you’re never going to get published. Ever. You heard what I said. So, you might as well save yourself a lot of valuable time and effort and find another venue to pursue.
Maybe they need a greeter at your local Walmart?
Look over the 10 reasons below, and if they fit you, then they are the 10 reasons why you will never, ever get your work published. Guaranteed.
- You can’t even create your own characters. You buy computer programs, or better yet, books on pre-created characters. So, if you are an aspiring writer, you buy the books on characters already created by someone obviously much more intelligent and creative than you. After all, you are a nobody, and nobodys never get published. So, after purchasing these books or DVD’s, you suddenly become a somebody. You have just bought creative juices. Brilliant prose. Astounding and amazing characters that will leap off each page. Guess what. You’re not a somebody. You’re just a nobody that made a somebody a little richer. Somebodys are creative. Nobodys are not.
- You’ve submitted your work to several literary agents and publishing houses. All you get are the standard rejections. “Thank you for your submission” . . . “due to the extreme amount of submissions we regretfully” . . . . blah blah ad nauseum. How many times do you have to hear you are a nobody. Enough is enough. You just can’t understand why you get rejected. Especially since you signed your children up for youth baseball in the past, and they all got to play. No one sits out. No matter how much any of your children lacked any talent, and wouldn’t know a baseball from a watermelon, they all got a trophy. This way, no one cries . . . no one gets hurt . . . everybody feels good. Well guess what? Writing isn’t youth baseball. Start crying. You’re not getting a trophy. Or a book deal.
- You find no need to go to any local writers group for support or assistance. After all, if they are also aspiring writers, and haven’t been published, they might even be worse than you. Why bother sitting around in a circle after a hard day of working your full-time job with total strangers holding hands and singing Kumbaya with other nobodys, when you could be home reading your “20 Instant Characters in a Box” book. All you need to add is water and bingo! Plus, one of these nobodys could steal your idea and . . . well . . . you get the picture . . . re-read paragraph number two. You won’t even consider taking a creative writing class at your community college for the same reasons. So, when you think about it, writers groups and writing classes are just a notch above going to AA meetings or defensive driving classes. Stay home.
- There is absolutely no need to spend at least $35 dollars or more on those massive “Guide to Literary Agents Edition XXXXLVIII.” You can search the Internet for free, or borrow an older copy from the library; so what if the edition is two or three years old. It doesn’t matter that those books are divided into sections on type of agent, what they are looking for, current addresses for your submissions, sample query letters, etc. Why make someone else rich, you can do all your own research. Use the $35 to buy another “Instant Character in a Box” book . . . or maybe better yet, some quality Pinot Grigio in a box, which always seems to stimulate your creative juices.
- You have read what some agents want in the three year old guide to literary agents regarding query letters, but you just can’t summarize your idea in the required one page letter. You need to expound on your brilliant idea, so you are just going to have to send in a three page query letter. Some agents have also asked for only three chapters, but you figure that if you send the entire manuscript in, they will soon realize the Pulitzer Prize winning mountain of gold it is. Plus, if other nobodys follow the rules and send in three chapters, and you send in the entire manuscript, you’ll have the edge over those fools. You also send e-mails or call the agent numerous times, as it has been a whole two weeks and they haven’t responded back to you yet. All these things will help establish you as a somebody. Those nobody days will soon be nothing but a memory.
- You have writers block, and have claimed to have tried everything, so you buy a book or DVD on amazing plots. After all, you just don’t know what to write. It’s been three weeks and still no idea on what to write about. Why bother wasting time trying to be creative. These DVD or books on amazing plots will guaranteed to get you published. Guaranteed to give you killer plot lines. Set you on the course for stardom. You don’t even need to be creative. They will do it for you. After buying these books or DVDs, you will also have tighter abs. Be able to bench press three times your own weight. Live cancer free. Be able to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Look up in the sky. It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s . . . super-nobody. You.
- You once heard that in order to get published, you should read books in the same genre as yours to get a feel for what those writer’s styles are and emulate their strong points. But, you’ve read a couple of those books, and you really don’t see what the fuss is about. Those other writer’s stories aren’t as good as yours is. In fact, you want to write mysteries, and you’ve read James Patterson, but his damn chapters are so short they are annoying as hell. Every couple of pages and you are on a new chapter with this bozo. So, you stop reading Patterson. That’s a great idea. So what if he sells a million or so of each title? After all, who the hell reads that crapola anyway? So, save your money and don’t read other authors in your genre. They may be somebodys, but you’re not going to stoop to their level. Take that, Patterson!
- You’ve heard the old saying “Write what you know.” But all you know is a lot about autism, because you have an autistic child and have been to many support groups and helped other parents in similar situations. Or, you love to barbeque, and have friends that tell you all the time what a great barbeques-man you are. Or, you know everything about Europe, as you have traveled there dozens of times on business. Or maybe you have classic cars, and are especially fond of the Ford Model A. But, you heard nobody gives a crap about those interests. The real money is in mystery, or romance. The bookstores are bulging with those books. That’s where the money is. When you sail into your mega-giant chain bookstore, and look over the map giving you directions to the 47 different sections, the sections on barbeque, or child development, or classic cars, or travel are mere hallways to the real meat. Mystery. Romance. The other 45 writing categories other than mystery and romance are just, well, filler. You are going to write about what sells. What will make you rich. As quickly as possible. So, instead of writing about what you know and love, you will follow the money. And buy books on plots. And buy books on great characters. You don’t need to know anything about what you are going to write. Whoever wrote “Write what you know” didn’t know what they were writing about. They were . . . nobodys.
Lastly, you’ll never get published because you have read the previous nine points, and have either followed one or more of them, or maybe all nine, including this tenth and final point. And you agree with everything you’ve just read. Congratulations! You are now a fully certified nobody. And everything you have told yourself all along has come true.
“I’ll never get published. My manuscripts will always be rejected. Writers conferences are a scam. James Patterson sucks. Only loser nobodys join writers groups. Someone is going to steal my idea someday. One page query letters are for fools.”
Well, there you have it. I’m very sorry if I’ve rained on your parade. Hey, maybe you should write a book on umbrellas?
However . . . if you are interested in “10 Reasons Why You WILL Get Published,” keep reading my blogs. I want you to be a successful writer.
Look out your window. I think the sun is coming out.
